A Little of the Old In and Out

In: A goddamn Kerry-McCain ticket; gimme five, spoonbread. Kerry and McCain for the ages. Ahhhh, the pause that refreshes.

There are a lot of aristocratic Republican types (Arnaud de Borchgrave, anyone?) as well as Log Cabin Republicans (Why in this day and age, after civil rights, would anyone oppose gay marriage? I don't get conservatives sometimes), immigration reform minded Republicans in the Southwest, who cannot abide by the fucking hayseed/hillbilly reactionary center of the universe that is the Bush White House. Any fucking moment I expect John Ascroft to do a little faith revivalist hillbilly dance with a rattlesnake in his arms, singing some West Virginia ditty.

A Kerry-McCain ticket would make it pretty goddam jake for swing voters to go Democrat("and they say once you go Democrat ...") even though John Kerry is as exciting as photosynthesis. According to The NY Times:

"'Senator McCain would not have to leave his party,' (former Senator Bob) Kerrey said. 'He could remain a Republican, would be given some authority over selection of cabinet people. The only thing he would have to do is say, I'm not going to appoint any judges who would overturn Roe v. Wade,' - the Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion, which Mr. McCain has said he opposes.

"Chris Lehane, a Democratic strategist who once worked for Mr. Kerry, said such a ticket 'would be the political equivalent of the Yankees signing A-Rod,' referring to Alex Rodriguez, the team's star third baseman."

The very fact that this idea is being "floated" (last weeks flavor was Governor Bill Richardson)tells me that the Kerry camp is seriosuly considering it; which is, as Martha Stewart might say were she not so stressed at present, a good thing. One can almost see George Stephanopoulos choking on his Ovaltine. McCain comes from the critical Southwest and he brings Republican moderates into the fold. The Southwest, to the Democratic Party, is the new black; (note to Kerry: pick up a Navajo-made Silver & Turquoise Bolo Tie for the campaign trail).

Out: Troy. That shit sucked. I am the biggest classics geek. Ever. Homer and Plato and Sophocles and Xenophon are my favorites. I weep over Euripides' Medea. I read Greek and Latin; I actually studied the languages and their literatures in college. Fuck it, I find anacreontic poetry to be darkly beautiful, I'm hopeless; get some Cutty Sark in me and I'll recite (or, better yet, don't and avoid the ungodly spectacle of a Ugandan blogger scanning Homeric meter). But, goddamn it, Troy sucked ass. Oh Lord, how it sucked. Hollywood should just leave the fucking Great Books alone. They are not equipped to handle the job. Patently unfit. And no Hollywood actress has an interesting enough face to play Helen of Sparta, the most beautiful woman in the world, daughter of Zeus. Hmmm, well, allow me amend that, maybe Angelina Jolie, with that beautiful Gemini face.

Out: Apple Paltrow, grrr (The Corsair frowns). According to the AP: "Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow has given birth to her first child, a daughter called Apple, a spokesman said on Saturday."

Grrrr. I know, I know, why would you welcome an innocent little WASP baby into the world like that by putting it on The Corsair out list? Paltrow's face just sets me off and makes me do crezzy things. I didn't even like her in Seven, where she played the mousy wife ("What's in the box ..."). I'm just old school like that.

In: Jimmy Kimmel ODs on Advil. "Don't hate ... appreciate," (The Corsair heard a little suburban wigger with a hat tipped pimp-style like Britney's boyfriend saying that this morning in Midtown at the cross street to another tweenager).

Out: Fashionweekdaliy's Quote of the Daily, from Farnsworth Bentley, P Diddy's (softly chuckles) "manservant/ Howard University graduate," "There will come a time when people will ask, 'Where�s your umbrella from?' and if it isn't from FJ Bentley, it won't be special. The parasol will be the next avant-garde fashion accessory. Trust me."

From Howard U. to peddling parasols. Nice. The shark is circling Farnsworth, you of the bandy legs and discombobulated dance maneuverings. Your next line, Mr. Bentley, should be, "do you want your blood blisters removed, Mr. Diddy?"

In: Socialites. Thin slices of yum yum, spending their lives in leisure, looking good. There are so many things we mortal men wish to know about socialites. How do they remain so razor-thin: Do they always eat such small portions: how come they always smell so mmm-mmmm good?

Anyhoo: Our favorite socialite, our future first wife, Miu Von Furstenburg, is in Los Angeles, causing quite a stir. You will remember yesterday she went mano-a-mano with Milla Jovovich:

"Being in LA, and preparing for the long haul, I wanted to get pampered. So my friend Nicky and I went to the unfortunately named Juan Juan Salon in Beverly Hills. We went in for a simple manicure and pedicure. However, when we saw that they do aromatherapy hair treatments, we had to jump at the chance (although my first thought was, 'what the fuck is it?'). I mean how LA would this be. Maybe this exists in New York City, and I've never noticed (I have been going to the same stylist for years).

"To my disappointment, it was basically an expensive oil treatment. A combination of Lemon, Geranium, Tea Tree, Chamomile, and lemon were used. All I have to say, is that afterwards I hated the smell of my hair. If I wanted to smell of Geranium, I would have gone to my aunt Allegra's and rolled around in her garden."

New York just isn't the same. Come back, Miu.


Out: Don Hewitt and his old ... old ... very Old Boys Club, with Mike Wallace. You know you're on CBS when, as the party bumps, Leslie Stahl is the spring chicken of the bunch.

On Tuesday night, the 60 Minutes Gang (what do you call a grouping of octagenerians? A murder of Old Crows?) talk with Don Hewitt as he gets ready to retire. You can be sure there will be more softballs tossed here than in Elijah Woods' bedroom after the Appletinis are drunk:

"The man most responsible for telling the stories that 60 Minutes is famous for finally tells his own story on CBS.

"Broadcast journalism legend Don Hewitt takes the spotlight to talk with his correspondents about his career and his creation in 'Tell Me a Story: The Man Who Made 60 Minutes,' to be broadcast Tuesday, May 18, at 9 p.m. ET/PT.

"Correspondents Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Ed Bradley, Steve Kroft and Lesley Stahl join Hewitt in a lively discussion punctuated with footage of 60 Minutes classic moments and people."

No mention of how he and Mike Wallace made Meredith Viera's life a living hell before she resigned because she had the temerity to have a baby. Wallace and Hewitt essentially double teamed her until she finally resigned, all chronicled by Richard Cohen. Assholes. Great journalists, though, who did great things, but assholes nonetheless of another era not as liberal and sophisticated.

Also, Out: The Swan. According to TheSmokinggun.com: "The Los Angeles doctor Fox Television has tabbed to provide "psychological counseling" to contestants on "The Swan," its controversial plastic surgery makeover show, received her Ph.D. from a California correspondence school that was described this week as an unaccredited "diploma mill" by congressional investigators, The Smoking Gun has learned.

"Therapist Lynn Ianni, it turns out, is not a doctor, she just plays one on TV."

Ouch.